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Reading the entire dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. The letter L leads us on quite a journey.

Get this: We’re now halfway through the dictionary! Also, I now know why this particular dictionary was only $10. It’s falling apart. The spine is all creased and cracking, and pages are this close to falling out. It the book can’t survive me doing this blog, how could it handle a whole school year in some English class somewhere?

Speaking of which, a library is “a place in which books and related materials are kept for use but not for sale.” Not a building, mind you, but a place. I guess that explains all those little free libraries you see everywhere.

Remember when The Love Boat always used to reference “the lido deck?” No? Well anyway, lido is “a fashionable beach resort.” A tacky resort is totally not lido.

Honestly, a lie detector is “a polygraph for detecting physiological evidence of the tension that accompanies lying.” Looks like the dictionary writers chose their words very carefully for this one.

Once again we have to ask, how do you define the undefinable? Life is “the quality that distinguishes a vital and functioning being from a dead body and inanimate matter, also a state of an organism characterized especially by capacity for metabolism, growth, reaction to stimuli, and reproduction.” I don’t see consciousness as part of that description. I guess that’s so it can also include plants as well?

There’s life when we let there be light, right? Light is “something that makes vision possible,” “electromagnetic radiation visible to the human eye,” and “the sensation aroused by stimulation of the visual sense organs.” Does that third one seem a little suggestive to anyone else? There are other definitions which cover lightweight, humorous, to fall slowly, and “with little baggage.”

The dictionary loves animals, this time with limpet. “any of numerous gastropod sea mollusks with a conical shell that clings to rocks or timbers.” That Incredible Mr. Limpet movie would seem to be way off.

Let us imbibe. Liqueur is “a distilled alcoholic liquor flavored with aromatic substances and usually sweetened,” while liquor is merely “a distilled alcoholic beverage.” Any bartenders reading this care to chime in?

Here’s a new one: livermorium is “a short-lived artificially produced radioactive chemical element.” Wikipedia has more, claiming that the substance is “extremely radioactive,” and because it’s very expensive to produce and decays quickly, its exact properties remain unknown. Never mind that it sounds like a made-up thing from Futurama.

A lodge is “a house set apart for residence in a special season or by an employee of an estate,” the meeting place or branch of a fraternal organization,” and “a den or lair of especially gregarious animals.” What does or doesn’t make an animal gregarious?

Lonely is just “being without company.” Such a trite, nondescriptive definition makes me feel… a little lonely.

Next: The mighty M.

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Reading the entire dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. Look at that, we’re starting the letter L!

This section starts with LA, which is not a musical note, but short for Los Angeles, or Louisiana, or lanthanum. This is followed by laari, which the dictionary just defines as “money.” The internet further informs me this is Maldivian currency. And then there’s lab, which is short for either laboratory or labrador retriever.

Speaking of which, a labrador retriever is “any of a breed of strongly built retrievers having a short dense black, yellow, or chocolate coat.” What’s the difference between “brown” and “chocolate” in this case?

Hey ladies, the definition of lady is “a woman of property, rank, or authority,” and “a woman of superior social position or of refinement.” There’s also ladylike, which just means “well bred.” Is this appropriate or old-fashioned? And I don’t even know what the phrase “woman of property” is supposed to mean.

Then we arrive on land, which is “the solid part of the surface of the earth,” “realm, domain,” and “nation.” It has a lot more definitions as a verb, including but not limited to “bring to or arrive at a destination,” and “to alight or cause to alight on a surface.” This kicks off a long list of words with land- as a prefix.

I think the dictionary writers felt the pressure was on for language, because they went all out: “the words, their pronunciation, and the methods of combining them used and understood by a community.” I’d say that covers it.

The dictionary loves animals – including gross ones – with larva, “the wingless often wormlike form in which insects hatch from the egg,” and “any young animal (as a tadpole) that is fundamentally unlike its parent.” I guess that also describes teenagers, am I right?

Then we get futuristic (sort of) with laser, “a device that produces an intense monochromatic beam of light.” And yes, the dictionary is smart enough to add that laser stands for “light amplification of stimulated emission of radiation.” You can use that one to impress people at parties.

We’re having fun. To laugh is “to show mirth, joy, or scorn with a chuckle or explosive vocal sound.” It’s sad but true that scorn is included in this. Also, “explosive vocal sound” would be a great band name.

A legend is “a story coming down from the past, especially one popularly accepted as historical though not verifiable.” The more I think about it, the more I think this is a particularly apt description.

Next: Get licked.

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Reading the entire dictionary front to back! It’s something I’ve always wanted to try. We’re speeding through this bunch of pages as J becomes K.

We start with dessert. Jimmies are “tiny rod-shaped bits of usually chocolate candy often sprinkled on ice cream.” The dictionary doesn’t add that only some parts of the country call them that. And then jimmy is “a small crowbar,” and “to force something open with a jimmy.” Now imagine if the crowbar was actually a giant jimmy candy.

The dictionary includes both judgment and judgement, even though we were all taught in school that the former is the correct one. The editors would seem to agree, because it uses that spelling for judgmental, judgment call, and judgment day.

A juvenile is “a young person” and “showing incomplete development.” This of course leads to juvenile delinquency, “violation of the law and antisocial behavior by a juvenile.”

Okay, we’ve reached the letter K! Somebody get Alan Moore on the line, because this section begins with kabbalah, “a medieval Jewish mysticism marked by belief in creation through examination and a cipher method of interpreting scripture.” If that’s a bit much, the second definition is just “esoteric or mysterious doctrine.”

Once again, the dictionary loves animals. A kangaroo is “any of various large leaping marsupial mammals of Australia and adjacent islands with powerful long legs and a thick tail used as support.” No mention of the famous pouch, although I guess the “marsupial” part covers that.

Karma is “the force generated by a person’s actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate reincarnation and determine the nature of a person’s next existence.” Is it inappropriate of me to suggest this concept has grown behind those two beliefs?

For something perhaps less spiritual, a kegger is “a party featuring one or more kegs of beer.” I’m assuming “or more” is likely.

A kink is “a short tight twist or curl,” or “an imperfection.” But you want to know about the saucy definition, which is this book is just “a mental peculiarity.” That covers a lot.

Do you know the word know? It’s “to perceive directly,” “to have understanding or direct cognition of,” “to recognize the nature of,” “to be acquainted or familiar with,” “to be aware of the truth of,” and “to have a practical understanding of.” I know the dictionary is trying to cover all bases, but this feels just a little repetitive.

Then it’s back to animals down under with koala, “a grey furry Australian marsupial that has large hairy ears and feeds on eucalyptus leaves.” Sorry, Australia, but there’s no dictionary entry for the kookaburra.

A short section, the letter K ends with a new one, kwashiorkor, “a disease of young children caused by deficient intake of protein.” Hmm, there’s really no way I can make that funny.

Next: Taking the L.

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Want more? My ongoing series THE SUBTERKNIGHTS is back on the Kindle store! A man searches for his missing sister in a futuristic city filled with far-out tech, strange creatures, and secret magic. Only $0.99 or free with KU!